In a very cool turn of events, I recently noticed my older boy, the 5year old, staring at me. I have to admit, it caught me off guard, but I immediately felt proud. I also recently realized that my youngest son –the 4 year old- was doing the same but with a different approach.

We all know each one of our children is unique, but when I began to identify the different ways in which they construct their reality it blew my mind. It immediately brought behavioral analysis to the forefront of my life, a tool I’d mostly only used as a background qualifying and quantifying social tool, and turned it into a daily running search for the sake of helping my children understand their feelings and actions so as to aid them in bridging the two, thus speeding up their emotional growth.

One of my earlier findings was that my oldest son seems to learn mostly from what he sees, and senses, and then voices his interpretations or conclusions. And my youngest seems to learn mostly from his sense of touch and taste, and then seems to retreat into his mind for an undetermined amount of time until he’s ready to share, if at all. Recently while I watched TV with the younger one, I noticed him using his fingertips to feel my arm. When I turned to see what he was doing he looked as if in deep thought, not looking at the TV, but staring at his fingertips seemingly exploring the texture of my skin. He did ask a question afterwards, but I can’t recall what it was. The key here of course, is that he was processing information and when he arrived at a conclusion he thought it important enough to discuss.

I have always known that our kids pick up so much of their behavior from my wife and me, but it’s only recently that I see them do it so openly, so seemingly aware. And so I realized that this represents an opportunity for me to reinvent me; to make any behavioral change I’d like my children to display. Since if they’re going to do as I do, I might as well become who I’d like them to be. The first thing I ever did when I found out my wife was pregnant was to stop smoking cigarettes, and since then I’ve come to accept that there must be much more behavior that I can improve but that is not as easily identifiable, so I use my kids as the mirror to look into.

Now that I know they are paying attention I try to remain fully aware of my thoughts and actions. This, as it turns out is actually quite easy and pleasant, since it forces me to present, and in the moment.

If we love our children, then there may be no better opportunity to change and modify any behavior that we recognize as less than ideal in ourselves than to do it for those we love and are responsible for. There is no cost or drawback from taking this route, since all we’re doing is embracing the idea of improving our lives. It’s not difficult and it can be enormously rewarding for us.

The point here is that if we are trying to raise amazing children we must first become amazing people. Infinite wisdom might have been bestowed upon us by the creator at conception, but our access to it was not. I believe there is no better path to self-analysis than through helping improve your children’s behavior and the health of their emotional state. They can certainly become the compass with which we make course corrections in our own lives.

My cousin and her husband live in Bogota, Colombia and the last time I visited them was for their wedding, so I never had the opportunity to meet Lorenzo.

Until Lorenzo passed away, I hadn’t had to deal with the reality of death much. My grandmother, whom I loved very much, died some 15 years ago and the way I handled her death was to not go the funeral, to not go to her home, and to pretty much not think about her at all. You see thinking of her not being around anymore made me sad enough to want to cry, and that’s a feeling I’m fine being without. So when my nephew died I went the same route- I chose to not think of him, my cousin, or her family. And since this had before proved a successful method of self-preservation, I went with it again…for a few days at least. Until my sister called me and suggested the blog would be a good place to pay tribute to Lorenzo. Despite my initial discontent with her request, due to my dislike of the subject, I felt this could be an opportunity to not only share my feelings with my cousin and her family in the hopes that it might help in some way, but also to address my personal issues with death. I also hope to have created a platform where those touched by Lorenzo’s death, and looking for a place to grieve, could share their feelings.

Unfair is a word we are introduced to early in life. And as children our minds begin to mold ideas into rational methods to overcome these turbulent feelings. We begin to pick up bits and pieces of wisdom designed to help us maintain composure through even some of the most challenging peaks and valleys of what I have always considered an emotional landmine riddled landscape. Early on, life presents us with euphoric love and horrendous despair; we don’t all live every extreme but however far apart these opposites are, deep despair always feels like it is only happening to us and that it might be the most we can handle. But we seem to always bounce back, and we begin to learn that the greater the perspective, the opposites that is, the greater the wisdom earned. Among these bits of wisdom is the one about love being something so precious and coveted that its potential for good far outweighs the risk of the potential pain brought forth by its loss. As the phrase goes “It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

But I would dare to imagine that right now my cousin and her husband’s recent loss of Lorenzo will challenge such sayings.

I cannot begin to imagine what it would be like to lose one of my children. Just the thought of it throws me into panic. And since I can afford the luxury of never having to think of it, I don’t. For this reason I hesitated when my sister asked me to write about Lorenzo. What I think might happen to me if I lost one of my kids would be total physical and emotional collapse. So I choose not to go too far down this path too often, but I do find that when the thought surfaces on its own it helps me appreciate my children even more; the thought of not having them encourages me to be a better father. It helps me be present and to better express my love for them coerced by the fear of not having done everything I could while they were with me, and for concern of living in regret for the rest of my life.

One thing we can all agree on –probably not much solace for my cousin and her family- is that the realm of feelings could not exist without opposites. Feeling good requires us to have felt bad, and vice versa. And for this reason some may argue that the more challenging the experience the greater the reward. But it would seem that these easy-to-digest standardized wisdoms can only help us so much. There’s another saying, “That which doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”. Except that it might just kill you; especially from the emotional perspective, and over an extended period of time no less.

I don’t know how the loss of a child feels, and just the thought of it fills me with fear. The truth is that I don’t think I can delve deeper into this matter. And so all I can hope for is that my cousin and her family can, as soon as possible, emerge from the initial shock wiser but unscathed so as to be able to continue to lead a balanced life with their remaining children.

I am sorry I am not able to go any further. When I sat down to write this note, I set out to go all the way, to get in touch with my feelings and discover something useful to share with those who have lost a loved one. But I can’t.

I’m sorry for your loss, Vicky.

Ricky

70% of Millennials want to marry and 74% want to have children. They seem to want the family life but don’t want to commit to having to do it with someone else. I whole heartedly share their desire to have children, since I consider it one of the best experiences one can have in life. But I believe that their primary reason for not particularly caring about a child having both parents at home comes from their discontent with their own experience. I believe that this attitude represents the score on their parent’s report card. It seems that their experience has been so unattractive that they are trying to convince themselves that it is not important to grow up with both parents. But I disagree. And I absolutely believe that both the mother and the father must be present for children to truly be happy.

Think of all of the knowledge you now poses and have come to depend on and trust as the building blocks of what you call your instincts. Think of all the safety processes we weave into our daily routine- When we leave the house we lock all doors and windows, we stop and look around before walking out the door, we don’t walk down certain alleys; we avoid certain personality types, etc. We follow an endless list of dos and don’ts to avoid dangers. This entire solid depot of accumulated wisdom that keeps us alive must be handed down. It must be shared. Imagine what it would be like for our children to get all of these gems of useful information not just from the mother but from the father as well. Just think how much different our lives would be if our father had been around to share this kind of wisdom with us, how much further we would be today, physically and emotionally. And if fathers are there for their children, then they will likely share in at least some of the daily chores, allowing the mothers to have more time to spend sharing their wisdom with their children.

We are made of two: a woman and a man, and as such we require both for a balanced development. There just absolutely is no doubt that the father must be at home. The father is a fundamental part of the process. According to the stats, the Millennials are waiting longer to have children; a step in the right direction. And with a little guidance and encouragement, they can develop the necessary self-confidence to benefit from the complexities of marriage, and possibly become the generation that really did it better than their parents.

The truly disturbing statistic though, the one we all need to think about is: In 2009 some 25million children in the US were growing up without fathers at home. And for the Millennials that believe that a father at home isn’t all that important, here’s the potential problem: “According to the National Responsible Fatherhood Clearinghouse (NRFC), children who live without their biological fathers are on average at least two to three times more likely to experience educational, health, emotional and behavioral problems, to be victims of child abuse and to engage in criminal behavior than their peers who live with their married, biological (or adoptive) parents.”

Just because some make it out unscathed doesn’t mean we should think it is ok for fathers to not be present. Every statistic shows that growing up in a two parent home is without question better than growing up with just one parent.

R

If, for the purpose of our discussion, we can agree that the reality that each of us lives is unique to us, and that the quality of our reality is dependent on our individual state of mind, then we can agree that the better we feel, emotionally, the better the state of our reality, and the greater the quality of our lives.

Early life can be such a test of one’s character, that as we move into adulthood, we begin to become accustomed to believing that all answers must come from within, that dependency in others is such a negative thing that we will rather ignore the signs of unpleasant discontent in our lives than to reach out to someone for guidance. There are probably an endless number of factors why we as adults think that the only reason to go to a therapist is to be crazy, but let’s have that discussion later. What I would like here is that we recognize that we are only crazy to think that we know it all and that with no professional training whatsoever we cannot properly analyze our own minds, prescribe methods for addressing found concerns, and then monitor progress of betterment for each one of those concerns.

Let’s take a look at why peeking into our own mind might be impossible. If we stop right now and begin to catalog our memories, and we chose to begin with our earliest memories first, we would quickly realize that the history of our lives during the first 10 years or so are quite fragmented and it becomes difficult to create a timeline we can trust as true. At which point we would have to assume that our history is somewhere within our minds but for whatever reason we don’t have access to it. This may not seem like a big deal, until we ask if any of these hidden experiences might be negatively affecting the quality of our current state of mind. It would be foolish and unfair for anyone of us to dismiss the question and blindly assume that there is absolutely nothing amiss and thus nothing we could improve upon.

Too often we go through our lives not daring to assume that there might be aspects of ourselves that are hidden from us, out of sight, and so we may be suffering in silence and living a less than ideal quality of life. For many of us men the main reason to not go to a therapist is pride. We, men, can be too proud to allow doubt into our lives, even if it kills us. But worst of all, we can be so proud that unknowingly we are willing to take our loved ones –children, wives, siblings, parents- down with us.

However, there are ways around the pride, and around the ego (should you care to try): I would dare to assume that 99% of the world’s male population “knows” that knowledge is power. I agree with the statement, but instead I’d like to think that knowledge is empowering. I guess it feels less aggressive of a statement. Either way, as long as you agree with some aspect of the statement, we can then proceed to acknowledge that the more we know the more powerful we are. Thus, we go to a professional looking to benefit from their knowledge when we need to know more about things- We go to the banker for financial matters, or the sensei for martial arts, or the butcher for the best cut of meat, or the webmaster for internet advice. But what about the most important item on the list of things to improve upon in our lives, our minds, the therapist, ourselves? What happens then? It seems that many of us freeze. We no longer believe in the professional. When speaking of a therapist we dismiss the fact that we just agreed that knowledge is power. Our ego threw it out the window and we allowed it to happen. And our ego has caused us, and our loved ones, great harm. This aspect of our lives will remain powerless, ignorant and dumb. And unfortunately, there will be no bliss in this ignorance. Just because we think we can handle it, doesn’t mean that so can our children.

I ask each one of us to please consider putting the ego in a headlock and beating it into submission, and taking ourselves to the most important professional that exists. The people that have made it their lives to understand the mind enough to be able to help those of us who search for knowledge and power: The therapist. Our little boys and girls will benefit greatly from this. So unless you’re so enlightened that you’re about to burst into a ray of light, please take the time to go and spend a few minutes with a “sensei” of the mind, gain some knowledge about yourself, and become more powerful.

You can start here http://www.goodtherapy.org/ Punch in your zip code and get the ball rolling. Don’t wait for the holidays to present your family with the greatest gift you’ve ever given them.

R

I believe that every person, or couple, thinking of having a baby would benefit from taking a few minutes to consider a fact: That the arrival of this new person will require the shedding of the concept “me” and the embrace of “us” from the very moment the baby is born at the hospital and for at least the next 18 years of the baby’s life. To begin with, new born babies are extremely time-consuming, both in the day time, when adults are awake, and at night, when we are trying to get some rest. Babies and children get sick constantly, and so quite often they will not be sleeping well, which means you will not be sleeping well either.  So for working couples at least one of you will have to take sick days from work to stay home to care for the child.

I propose we consider at least 2 very important aspects of having a baby before having one: A healthy marriage, and our finances.

Marriage-A healthy marriage means we have studied and worked on our relationship and are fairly certain that it will continue to work even after we introduce a baby to the mix. There must be a checklist somewhere we can use to help ensure its success, since the emotional wellbeing of an adult/person depends on it. One of the most basic assessment tools, too often dismissed by our egos, is couple’s therapy. Trust me this step is a lot like doing break maintenance on your car- If we don’t do it while all seems to be running smoothly, then we’re mostly just hoping all will be well. And that’s just as dangerous in a relationship as it is for a car. To “just hope all is well” with someone else’s life doesn’t seem all that smart. Ask yourself: “How many things do I keep from my wife because I just know she’s going to give me a hard time when I bring them up?” And since she must be doing the same, it’s entirely possible that many of these hidden truths may come to light after the baby arrives, and potentially put sufficient strain on the marriage to negatively affect the quality of life at home… Or end it altogether.

If you are certain you will not be going to a therapist with your wife, then please find something you feel comfortable doing, for the sake of your baby, your wife, and you.

The finances- We all know that in business the more we know the more we’re worth. And that almost every well-paying job requires at least a bachelor’s degree. So if you don’t currently know how you’ll be able to send your child to school, then you are choosing to take the risk that your beautiful baby may not go to college. And in our society, statistics show that the more education one has the better the odds of financial success. Thus the better the odds of leading a more comfortable lifestyle with less worrying from not knowing how to pay for those basic necessities such as rent, food, transportation, health insurance, etc.

I’d like to propose that for anyone who hasn’t had a child yet, and wants one, to think of a baby as an adult in his or her infancy, and this way maybe more of us will think twice about having  one or will consider waiting to earn greater maturity before potentially damaging someone else’s life. Or, think of your baby 20 or so years from now, and consider what they might say as adults about the decision you’re about to make. Either way you might find that waiting to have a child may be the best decision you’ve made in regards to having one.

This link will give you some idea of the cost of having a child: http://www.babycenter.com/cost-of-raising-child-calculator

Naturally I frown upon the idea of allowing our insecurities to measure us against other people. I hope we all agree that it makes no sense to allow others –especially strangers- the power to affect our mood when they judge us. This however, could be a good thing, as long as we assume that the comparison functions as a measuring stick of our emotional intelligence –rather than for the purpose of trying to fit in- and it has the potential to represent an opportunity to become a better person. And since our discussion is about us and our children, I’d like to suggest that for us, fathers and mothers alike, there may be a better approach: To switch critics by replacing “strangers” with “our children”.

I think of it this way: If we chose to bring a new person into this world, and we take full responsibility for their wellbeing, both physical and emotional, then there could be no more important person to please than them.

Immediately after the birth of one’s first child, no matter how old or mature we are at that time, we must embrace the challenge to become the person we’d like our children to be, and since children will primarily do as we do and not as we say, this makes for a great point to part from by making our greatest responsibility our most demanding critic.

It is true that this concept is easiest understood by those people that already have children, since this becomes most obvious when our children begin displaying our behavior- Some of it is funny, and at times adorable, but some of it is obviously not the behavior we’d like them to display. And so it is at these moments we could remind ourselves to improve that particular part of us so that we can better it while at the same time we help our children become the best possible people for themselves.

What’s great about applying this method to become a better father is that we can actually gage the rate of success of our actions: 1) By seeing our attitudes and relationships improve with our children, and 2) By seeing the relationship with our partners also improve.

One of the most useful advice I picked up from Napoleon Hill regarding the reaching of any goal, comes in the way of developing a plan that contains daily exercises, or steps, that require me to check them off a list as I execute them, thus forcing me to develop an almost constant awareness of the goal.

If for example our children cry after we’ve given them some sort of direction, then we can take that as a cue that we might have been too harsh –or simply that the approach was less than ideal- and now this is a chance to embrace the opportunity to put a check-mark on that item of the plan that involves apologizing for our actions while engaging in extra communication with the child, by explaining our thought process.

When we do this sort of exercise we become more emotional present, and this is always a fantastic state of mind since it absolutely is conducive to the betterment of us, our children, our partners, and thus the family as a whole.

R

I believe that the answer to being a better husband, or a better partner, is found in trying to become a better father. And this will not be easy. But I do believe that if we can grow the balls to take on this challenge, the rewards will absolutely outweigh any and all of the hardships inherent in growth. Because to not try to change, to not embrace life’s only constant, is far more painful. .. Like pulling off a Band-Aid quickly vs. agonizingly slow.

So of course the first question is how do I get started? And, where is the emotional compass we must be referencing to be better fathers? The answer for me came from my childhood. Many of us think of our childhood memories as a thing of the past, as useful information only in reminiscing about good or bad times, when in reality it is the point of reference we’ve asking for. Our childhood memories can become our most valued asset in guiding us to becoming better fathers (and better husbands).

Remember your childhood. Remember what you liked and what you didn’t like. If you liked something that your father did for you, then do that with your son or daughter. If there were things you detested about your parents then don’t do that with your children. If you didn’t have a father, then remember what it was like to not have one, and do with your children all of those things you imagined a father would do. There seems to be nothing like perspective to help us make good decisions for our children and with our partners. So next time you find yourself being rude, making your children cry, or seeing their expression of discontent after whatever verbal exchange you had with them, think of how you would have felt in that same situation. And you will most likely want to apologize. Do. Do apologize; say you’re sorry to the most important person in this world: Your child. The one you are responsible for.

R

There are many reasons we say No to our children, and some are legitimate, but many more have to do with us being a little selfish with our time. Often we succumb to a bit of laziness and don’t understand the negative impact that our decision to say No can have on our children. And this is especially true with working parents that haven’t seen their children all day and now finally have the opportunity to participate in their children’s lives but choose not to. As working adults it is quite obvious to us how disproportionate the time spent at work is from the time spent with our loved ones at home, and so to say yes to a simple request from our children has got to be one of the best decisions made that day.

If we stop to look around us it certainly seems that the society surrounding us is primarily of a No culture, where we as individuals are discouraged from asking others for anything we may need for fear of being rejected. It seems that few others actually want to help or participate in our needs, even in the case of the customer and vendor relationship. And although we may have this strong feeling of disappointment towards those we believe should’ve said Yes to our request, we still fail to behave differently towards those who are the most important people in our lives, our children.

So at that exact moment when my oldest son asked me if I could do “X” with him, I made it not only a point to say yes, but I also thought that a great way to monitor myself would be to ask him to participate in this change I wanted to create in me, by asking him to reply with “Are you sure?” if I ever did say No to a request from him again. This of course might have been a tall order for a 4 year old, but by me voicing my desire to better my attitude, the idea was etched in my mind and I’ve said yes every time since.

Humanity in general seems to be making the cyclical mistake of thinking that the only way to rule their children is with an iron fist. But we know they will not like it, since we too were children not long ago. We know this approach isn’t correct, and if you’re reading this, you know we must at least try to do it differently than our parents did. Our ego blinds us from the truth. But we can change. We are never too old to modify bad behavior.

R

If you’ve decided to go through with it regardless of that feeling of uncertainty, then continue to read below. Even if you’re already married, and your wife is now pregnant, and are still wondering if you’re making the right decision, then still read below.

A few months back I had an opportunity to write my life in 150words or less, and it turned out to be one of the best challenges I’ve undertaken in my life.

“After the birth of my first child I was able to appreciate my mother. After the birth of my second child I began to forgive my father. Four years into fatherhood came my opportunity to be the man I had always longed for in a father: I fulfilled my childhood dream of having a father by embracing the role. For these reasons alone, even if I could, I am unable to reject any hardship I’ve endured after making these commitments for concern of a potential negative impact on the incredible growth I now own. My wife became the mirror needed for one to achieve maturity and wisdom in life. Marriage and children, unexpectedly, became the answer to fundamental faceless complexities and desires inherent to childhood. Getting past the initial shock of the seemingly insurmountable behavioral changes that are required for its success seems to be the key.”

R